Saying goodbye

In the months following our return to Taipei, Dad's health went up and down. There was always hope he might recover but it soon started to dwindle after he had emergency surgery to correct a fault with the PEG that was put into his stomach. In the end all the hopes and prayers were spent and he passed away a few weeks ago. I thank God that James and I made it back to the UK in time. Being with him at the end and being able to say goodbye was terribly hard but I'd have been inconsolable if I hadn't been there. 

In the weeks that come and gone since my return to Taipei I've found it very hard. Some days are better than others but there is always an underlying pain in my chest. Having friends (and James) around has made it easier. Work has provided me with time to think of other things. A mind spent solely on grief is one that tires easily. 

I've been struggling to listen to music since Dad died. It's always provided me with comfort but now I just can't listen to anything without feeling sick. I think I've been trying so hard to be strong that I've been holding a lot inside. At some point I'm going to need to face it all. 

Part of me is so incredibly angry. Angry at the doctors who never listened, angry at the contract nurses who didn't care, angry at the processes that failed Dad at every turn. He didn't deserve such reckless and careless treatment, no one does! It seems that it is all too common in the NHS these days.  

I am grateful for the small things that have made me laugh since he died. My sister wrote to me the other day to tell me about collecting Dad from the Funeral Directors. It made me remember all of the laughter Dad brought to my life and just how much he liked a good joke. I will post it soon. 

And so life goes on. The grief sometimes seems unending but I know some day it will. For now I take each day as it comes and learn to cope.